Edgeworth's Gaming Dilemma
by pizzapie44
Summary: Miles Edgeworth's new hobby doesn't fare well with Gumshoe


Miles Edgeworth's shitty little room was illuminated only by the pearl light of his computer monitor. It reflected and bended off his pale, oily face like the light of the moon. His stiff fingers rested on the WASD keys of the computer's light-up keyboard and the greasy surface of his Razer mouse. It was, had been, gamer time. This specific bout of "gamer time" had lasted for nearly 48 hours. The only noise in the room was the gentle _vmmmm_ of the PC fan. The quiet atmosphere was suddenly interrupted by-

"Fuuuuuuck!" screeched Miles Edgeworth like an orgasming pterodactyl in his bitching British accent. "I had a golden scar- a _fucking_ golden scar!" He felt the sudden urge to yell a racist remark but somehow managed to restrain himself. "I could've gotten the dub! Fuck you and the horse you rode into town on!" Miles Edgeworth pounded his fists on the desktop like a little bitch, knocking down empty Monster drink cans and scattering Dorito crumbs all over the matted carpet.

There was a knock on the door. Detective Dick Gumshoe let himself in. The room had an immediate, overwhelming effect on his senses; his breathing staggered and his eyes watered from the recycled air circulating around him. And for some odd reason his mouth inexplicably began to taste like battery acid.

"Uh...hey, pal." Gumshoe said as he approached Edgeworth, attempting to take a seat on a tall, uneven stack of empty pizza boxes by the desk. "You winning?"

There was an audible cracking noise as Edgeworth shifted his weight and faced him. Dick jerked backwards and felt his gag reflex struggling when he took in the full scale of Edgeworth's face. The thing was colored in a pasty, milky white hue, like cellulite smothered in glue. It's shrunken eyes were tiny, cruel grapes plopped carelessly below it's oily forehead. It opened it's chapped lips, revealing a cave of hideous yellow Brit teeth and an earthworm tongue. The whole thing reeked of garbage, deer urine, fermented soft drink, and whatever other nasty thing you can think of that I forgot to mention. Dick Gumshoe had handled corpses in many states of decay and decomposition. He'd never seen anything this fucking awful.

"No, not this time." said Edgeworth. He turned around with another spine crack and minimized the tab. "Did you want something? And please, make it quick. I have work to do."

Dick Gumshoe exploded. "You _motherfucker!_ You waste of oxygen and human resources! There is no reason for you to be alive other than serve as a paradigm of maximum degeneracy! I can't begin to imagine how it feels to do nothing but vegetate in a pile of your own shit and piss all day long, doing nothing but playing your stu-"

"Actually I use adult diapers during gamer time. I mean, I'm not _literally_ sitting in-"

"Don't you fucking interrupt me!" Dick Gumshoe backhanded Miles Edgeworth. He let out a pitiful moan like a puppy getting shot in the face. "And I wasn't serious about the whole piss and shit thing. It was an insult! Do you...actually? Is that why it reeks in here?"

"That's besides the point." Miles Edgeworth said. "Now, do you have anything else to say to me? Or can I go back to gamer time now?" His hand edged toward the mouse. Dick Gumshoe grabbed it and crushed it in his gorilla hands. He threw the plastic remains in Miles Edgeworth's lap. There was a tense pause for a moment. Both men were poised, waiting for any sudden movements, ready to tear the other's throat out. Finally Dick Gumshoe let out a tired sigh. His shoulders relaxed.

"We miss you, sir." he said. "Me n' Phoenix n' Maya n' Larry - even the Judge!" Dick Gumshoe rested his hand on Miles Edgeworth's crooked shoulder. "These video games, pal….they've changed you. Before you became a gamer, you were so impressive and professional and..well..you were _you,_ pal. But now look what you've become! You're a shell of the man you used to be! You've shed your humanity all for the sake of living the life of a goddamn gamer!" Dick Gumshoe held back tears.

Miles Edgeworth sighed and turned away for a moment. His eyes lit up and became serious. He folded his hands and rested his pimply chin softly upon them.

"I'd rather be gaming right now." He took another Razer mouse from his desk drawer and plugged it into the PC.

Dick Gumshoe sighed. He looked up at the ceiling, trying and failing to formulate some kind of response - anything that could bring his friend back. He finally gave up, walking out of the room with another sigh. He hesitated before reaching the door and turned around. Dick Gumshoe cleared his throat.

"I loved you, Miles."

Miles Edgeworth chuckled. "That's pretty gay," he said, too busy with whatever stupid shit he was playing to bother turning around.

He heard the door close softly behind him and later heard Dick Gumshoe's stupid sobbing in the hallway. Miles Edgeworth carefully equipped and adjusted his headset so as not to disturb his focus in gamer time.


End file.
